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Hot Topics: Quick retorts for New Year’s resolutions bullies

December 31st, 2013 8:27 am by Paula Sirois

Hot Topics: Quick retorts for New Year’s resolutions bullies


In your opinion, what is worse? The fact that every single January we all feel a need to make a list detailing all of our bad traits, failures and faults? Or all of those people who keep asking us, “So, what are your resolutions this year, because I’ve decided to finally go for the Ultra Super Man, barefooted and blindfolded marathon after all, what about you?” It’s a toss-up, right? If you’re ready to skip the resolution shaming but need to have some witty comebacks to that dreaded question, we’ve got you covered.

1. Ahhh, yes, resolutions. Well, traditionally I like to start my new year by picking a random person, let’s say you…and then studying them; you know everything from how they walk and talk to dress, and then I like to pretend I am them for a good six months or so. Hey, where do you live by the way?

2. Well, my parole officer has one set of plans for me, but he’s a tad pushy if you know what I mean. Gosh, how I hate pushy people who ask personal questions.

3. Yay! I love resolutions, too, don’t you? Goody! Oh, you simply have to come over to my house/desk/cubicle because I’ve drafted this 256-point plan of action for my resolutions this year, and I’ve put it in a PowerPoint with handouts and a color-coded goal system. Can you come look now?

4. My resolutions this year have lots, and I do mean lots, to do with you. But I’m not at liberty to talk about them right now.

5. Darn it! Look, I’m really sorry about this, but I made a bet with that guy over there that I’d lick the face of the first person to ask me about my New Year’s resolutions. So, you might want to close your eyes for a minute OK?

6. I can’t believe you just asked me that. You know what happened to me last year, right? Wow, you’re so insensitive and cruel … I just don’t think I can ever talk to you again.

7. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore, ever since last year’s came true and I ended up with all these odd super powers that seem to flip people out. You wanna see?

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