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Greetings, dear hearts! Your favorite pigskin prophet — well rested after an enjoyable vacation in Hawaii — is back in town.
The highly anticipated football season has arrived and the Wizard of Odds is anxious to apply some more Yale math to the local high school predictions.
In years past, this Old Boy has utilized that trusty crystal ball, tea leaves, tarot cards, slide rules, calculus textbooks, charts of all sorts and horse-sense data banks.
These resources have proved to be invaluable, resulting in record-breaking performances and putting food on the Hoople table.
Hoop-the-Scoop always is searching for the most expeditious way to crunch the numbers and get right to the point.
If it appears that Famous Amos is always the smartest guy in the room, accept this as a fact. That storied .791 lifetime picking percentage is valid proof. And, you could say the world’s No. 1 soothsayer is cool with women.
At the urging of friends in the E-Z Snooze Hotel lounge, Yours Truly will be taking a new approach to forecasting.
This newfangled concept being added to the Hoople System is multiplicative inverse. It’s inclusion should greatly increase Hoop-Baby’s chances of beating the law of probability.
It’s just a matter of collecting, organizing, analyzing and simplifying the gridiron data. Har-rumph!
Without further ado, let’s get on with another award-winning forecast:
D-B 14, WILLIAM BLOUNT 7 — With dazzling tailback Chris Sensabaugh on the shelf, the Indians have some new game-planning to do.
NORTH 28, CENTRAL 6 — The entire North community is excited about the prospects of a turnaround season.
VOLUNTEER 14, EAST 12 — Expect a slobber-knocker. The name of the game is blocking and Volunteer knows how to make those gaping holes.
DANIEL BOONE 21, SOUTH GREENE 7 — Glad to see former Boone coach Ken Green is finally getting his name on the Trailblazers’ field. South Greene will become the first team to lose on Ken Green Field. Boola-boola!
CHEROKEE 14, CAK 13 — The Chiefs like to rest their defense by controlling the clock with a time-machine, tick-tock offense. Write it down — you’re reading about the upset of the week right here.
ELIZABETHTON 14, SCIENCE HILL 10 — Games mean more in November than they do in September, but don’t try telling this to Elizabethton’s inspired squad. The Cyclones are for real.
GATE CITY 27, TAZEWELL 14 — Hey, Bulldogs! It won’t be paranoia when Gate City is on your 3-yard line. The Blue Devils definitely are out to get you. Hak-kaff!
J.I. BURTON 34, APPALACHIA 14 — The turning point of this game will be the coin toss. Heh-heh!
POWELL VALLEY 13, LEBANON 7 — Keep a close eye on those linebackers. The Vikings will be coming with one blitz after another, forcing the Pioneers to hurry their passes.
CLINTWOOD 42, HAYSI 13 — When the Tigers overpursue on defense, Clintwood will execute a couple of bootleg plays to set the record straight.
J.J. KELLY 28, POUND 6 — The Wise Guys have added a fumblerooski to their creative playbook. Kaff-kaff!
Claiborne 26, Chuckey-Doak 6
Greenback 55, Hancock County 12
Unicoi County 14, Happy Valley 6
Morristown East 31, Karns 14
Knox Halls 14, Sevier County 13
Greeneville 21, Mercer Co., Ky. 19
Jefferson County 20, Morristown West 17
Knoxville Grace 16, North Greene 13
Hampton 24, Oneida 14
Pigeon Forge 40, Cosby 12
Sequoyah 21, Gatlinburg-Pittman 13
Seymour 28, Cocke County 7
Union County 23, Unaka 6
Graham 14, Bluefield, W. Va. 10
Coeburn 42, Ervinton 0
Honaker 13, Richlands 7
Virginia High 33, John Battle 13
Holston 12, Twin Springs 6
St. Paul 30, Twin Valley 7