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Friends, one must always keep in mind the unpredictability of making predictions.
In view of last week’s collapse of the Hoople System, every prediction after this juncture of the season must be accompanied by a cautionary asterisk.
There were five major upsets our staff didn’t see coming. It was the worst logical moment of Hoop-Baby’s prognosticating life. Apologies are in order for that disappointing 26-5 record.
To avoid a series of bad logical moments, we’ve suspended three assistants for two weeks without pay and barred them from the E-Z Snooze Hotel lounge for the remainder of the football season. Hak-kaff!
To restore our reputation as the world’s No. 1 forecasting source, we’ll be taking a break from the mathematical equations for a while. It’s obviously time to take a pause on speculation and get this flight of fancy back in orbit. Boola-boola!
We’ve pulled the trusty ol’ crystal ball out of storage and dusted it off to get a clearer picture of what’s going to be happening on Friday nights around the region.
To ensure quality, we’ve brought in a trained monkey to peer into the crystal ball. As you are probably aware, monkeys can see through time. There appears to be no end in sight as to what we’ll be able to accomplish with such a servant.
You can bet this prognosticating primate will be getting the star treatment around Northeast Tennessee and Southwest Virginia before the curtain falls on the 2007 campaign.
It should be mentioned just how difficult it was to read a whole novel into the few tea leaves we’ve had available. The season always intensifies in late September and early October and it’s so easy to paint an inaccurate picture of the gridiron scene.
Fatigue is setting in. Some of the coaches are clinically dead trying to come up with something different. Players have one eye on their studies and the other on flirting girlfriends.
After midseason, sophisticated forecasters glance only briefly at the numbers, focusing instead on lifestyles. One must grasp the underlying dynamics. Kaff-kaff!
Without resorting to such nonsensical methods as palm reading and tarot cards, the Wise Ol’ Owl is skillfully sifting through the signs before releasing every prediction. After all, it pays to read the entire story to find out how it ends.
Several teams are in must-win predicaments. Thus, it’s time to get right to the point with some genuine Hoople picks.
SOUTH 28, CENTRAL 13 — The Rebels’ numbers are simply better than Central’s. Look for Phillips to go right, left and up the middle. This guy reminds folks of Yours Truly sprinting downfield at Yale.
COCKE COUNTY 35, DANIEL BOONE 20 — Cocke County will hammer the Trailblazers from the get-go. Boone won’t get away with sleepwalking.
VOLUNTEER 17, GREENEVILLE 14 — The Falcons will respond to coach Scott Rider’s halftime speech with a roaring comeback.
TENNESSEE HIGH 27, NORTH 14 — The Vikings may not believe in predicting the future but they sure have been preparing for it.
DAVID CROCKETT 14, CHEROKEE 12 — Just do the fundamentals, boys, and those victories will come.
ELIZABETHTON 21, SULLIVAN EAST 20 — Elizabethton will tear through East’s defense without resistance. There will be no joy in Bluff City after this heartbreaker.
GATE CITY 34, JOHN BATTLE 0 — The Trojans will not be able to escape the shadow of their own goal posts. Suggestion: Bring in Bill Battle.
POWELL VALLEY 42, THOMAS WALKER 6 — Sports are only entertainment but tradition dictates.
RYE COVE 14, COEBURN 7 — Mistakes happen. This is the perfect example of a team underestimating its opponent.
J.I. BURTON 55, POUND 12 — Just do the math. There’s no way the margin could be any less with Burton’s team on the field.
HAYSI 28, ERVINTON 8 — This should be proof of Haysi’s actual strength. The Tigers are considerably better than most pundits are saying.
TWIN SPRINGS 41, OPEN DATE 0 — Let’s remember the Titans!
Claiborne County 62, Hancock County 6
Cumberland Gap 28, Happy Valley 7
Gatlinburg-Pittman 44, North Greene 6
Gibbs 21, Rutledge 13
Hampton 34, Grace Christian 6
Greenback 13, West Greene 7
Jefferson County 21, Karns 12
Seymour 20, Knox Carter 14
Morristown West 27, Morristown East 13
Bearden 21, Science Hill 10
Sevier County 20, Campbell County 7
South Greene 14, Chuckey-Doak 0
Cosby 19, Unaka 13
Johnson County 28, Unicoi County 14
Big Creek, W.Va. 40, Hurley 7
Abingdon 14, Carroll County 13
Northwood 8, Chilhowie 7
Patrick Henry 14, George Wythe 13
Graham 36, Grundy 12
Honaker 14, Virginia High 10
Giles 28, Lebanon 21
Richlands 41, Marion 14
Rural Retreat 26, Holston 13